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have been married for nine weeks am seperated now but my husband had to have sex wether i wanted to or not.if i said no he told me that he had needs and i was his wife so had to fullfill them. i new when he wanted sex because he would take off his watch when he got into bed.my mother and a very good friend of hers has said this is classed as rape is this true?
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Hello Maria,
what you have described is definitely rape. Many people still don't understand that even if you are married you still have the right to say no to sex and that your wishes should be respected and listened to by your partner. Sex is an equal, respectful sharing of something pleasurable and is not a duty. I don't know where you live so am unable to give you contact details for services and support local to you. You may want to look up your local Rape Crisis service and you can also go to the police regarding this as it is a crime and he could be charged.Please phone or email us should you want any more support or information. Our helpline is: 0800 0198 668 and is open Monday to Friday between 10 and 4.
all the best,
Caron
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Is this the way to do this
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Hi Tracey,
If you could let us know the day before you want to leave I can ring your local social services to organise you a travel warrant and maybe some money. I could also try to get the police to come to the house to help you leave if you want me to. Then I could try and find you refuge either in Chesterfield or if we don't have space - as close as possible to Chesterfield. What do you think about this?
all the best,
Caron
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Hello Tracey,
that all sounds like an excellent idea. Of course we will help you in any way we can once you are here in Chesterfield. We can still try to find you refuge if that's what you want or help you with benefits, housing etc. Just stay in touch and let us know where you are and what you need. Good luck!
Caron
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Hello Tracey,
this is the right place to contact me. If you need to go into refuge we can organise it for you. We have spaces at the moment in our refuge. if you're not ready to go into refuge, ring us when you are and we will do our best for you. Try and ring as early in the day as possible. Our helpline opens at 10am. Our number during office hours is: 01246 540444
all the best,
Caron
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Hello Tracey,
if you can get yourself to Chesterfield as early as possible in the day and ring us as soon as you can (either before you set off or when you get here) we will be able to help you to get from the station to our advice centre by taxi if you are not able to walk.I'm assuming you will have money for train fare? If not you will have to let us know so that we can arrange a travel warrant for you from your local social services offices.Do you know where that is? Which train station will you be leaving from?Have you been able to check how much tickets are or would you like me to check for you? Once you are safely at our advice centre we can find you refuge.Does that answer your questions? I hope this is ok for you. Please keep communicating.
all the best,
Caron
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Hello and thank you for emailing us. The situation you describe is quite typical where there has been an unequal/abusive and controlling relationship. In these situations we usually do not recommend mediation because an abusive person does not have the agenda that you have which is to come to an agreement for the benefit of all concerned. An abusive person's agenda is always about power, control and manipulation and he will try this even in a meditation situation. 'Shuttle mediation' which is what has been mentioned to you where the mediators move between two rooms with each person in a seperate room is a safer option and takes away some of his power as he will be unable to see your reaction to his behaviour (this takes away some of the incentive and pleasure from him) However, I'm not sure whether it will bring about a mutually satisfactory agreement. In our experience these kinds of men tend to co-operate one minute and are obstructive and difficult the next. Mediation saves the legal system time and money which is why they like it. In our experience, because the agreement coming from mediation is'nt enforeable by law, with abusers, the court is the only thing some of them 'get', but not all abusers even stick to what the courts order. It sounds like it might be really useful for you to talk to us either over the phone or face to face. I'm not sure where you live? Our helpline number is 08000198668 and choose the Chesterfield option. We have a lot of information we could share with you about the tactics of abusive and controlling people which may go someway to empowering you. Our drop in is Monday to Thursday from 10am till 4pm. Women often find it really helpful being able to talk to someone who understands all the issues and who isn't in any way emotionally attached to the situation.I hope this information doesn't make you feel worse and is in some way helpful. I hope to see or hear from you soon.
with kind regards,
Caron
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